Heathrow and Logan

I travelled to Yankland a few weeks ago and I will be here for the rest of the summer but I feel that it is still not too late to share my opinion of Heathrow.

Every time I go there the airport seems to decline in everything. It is dirty and it smells bad.

The thing that pisses me off the most about traveling (other than being terrified of heights and my lack of a cigarette during the flight) is the damn duty free shopping. The only reason you have to go through security so damn early is because they want you to spend money. Of course this time, there's no smoking in the airport so I had a seven hour flight + two hours early through security + problems at Logan on the other end. I was not a happy bunny.

Back to the shopping. My idea of duty free shopping involves tobacco, absinthe (or pernod or ouzo) and this time a travel pillow (I lost my other one and the ones on the plane are shite). I can understand people wanting to purchase perfume, make up, electronics, or anything else sold duty free but it really does not take two hours to buy the items that most people will be buying. I got my tobacco on the plane as it is cheaper there, so lets focus on the absinthe and travel pillow. I really wanted a bottle of pernod, but they didn't have any so I got absinthe (my favourite drink but yanks are convinced that it is a narcotic or something so I didn't really want the hassle). I found the World Duty Free Shop, 5 minutes. Found a shop assistant and asked if he had pernod, 2 minutes to inform me they didn't sell it at that terminal but did have absinthe. 30 seconds to find said absinthe. Talked about ouzo with guy, 2 minutes. Found travel pillow at impulse items near till. Stood in line, 2 minutes. In and out with what I need, 11 minutes and 30 seconds and this is an upper ended guess. So that leaves me with 108 minutes and 30 seconds to do nothing. Normally that would be when I'd start chain smoking but the bastard government decided that people shouldn't smoke anywhere in a public building. I looked around the other shops, they were shite and I didn't want to spend money that I didn't (and still don't) have. So I had coffee. And then some more coffee. Bought a copy of the Daily Mail and some Coke from WHSmith. Found a seat. Had more coffee. Read newspaper. Wait patiently for flight. Just when I thought I was going to go insane, it is time to board.

Many hours later I land in Boston where the fun really began. I have dual nationality; UK and USA. I didn't particularly want the USA part but due to a change in US law I have to have it because I had it when I was a child. This change happened about four years ago (thanks President Bush). So I keep both my passports in the same passport case so I don't loose them. I had started taking tranqs two days before my trip (plus I had issues relating to pain killers until I had that root canal), so I was pretty damn out of it by the time the plane landed and I really, really wanted a fag. I stand in line patiently in the place for US citizens . By the time it is my turn to go through, I'm biting my nails out of nicotine withdrawal. I hand the cock monkey at US immigration my passport case as it is usually advisable to hand both so I don't have problems going home. He's starts to give me a lecture about how I can't have two passports because the US of fucking A does not recongise dual nationality. I told him it was this stupid country that made me get it in the first place and that I live in England. He starts to argue about it. Then he says that I live in the USA, no I told him I live in England. He argues about that. Then he starts to argue because I didn't get any presents for anybody. Wait a second, I don't fucking live in the USA, so why would I get presents? I have my clothes, my work, a little bit of make up plus the things I purchased at the airport and on the plane. I didn't want to open my suit case because of the bottle of absinthe. If he's having trouble understanding a change in the law from about four years ago, there's no possible way he's understand a more recent change that allows absinthe to come into the country (real absinthe and not that fake shite that makes people sick). But I was willing to open my suitcase there and then and started to do so. Then he finally agrees to let me through without that added hassle.

Then comes customs. I think they must have felt sorry for me because I was pretty damn annoyed by that point and I gave the guy a strange look when he asked if I had any fruit or vegetables (I don't normally eat either, so being asked a question like that is rather strange). He asked my business in the USA, having my teeth fixed and unwinding after finishing uni. Finally I can leave.

I don't recommend traveling through Heathrow. I don't recommend traveling to the USA, especially if you have dual nationality.

The BAA execs should be tied up and then dropped from a space shuttle. I have no idea who owns Logan, but everyone who works there should be forced to go back to school and actually learn US laws and then the laws and customs of other people. They should also be forced to understand that not everyone in the world lives in the USA. Then they should be put on the rack.

If there's any mistakes in this post, it is not my fault. Every problem I have is intensified in this stupid country, including my dyslexia (how strange).

If anyone knows how I can get rid of the USA nationality please let me know because Cuba is sounding mighty attractive right about now (or darkened corners that I never have to leave).